Existing in the Heart
by Lovelybutterfly17
Summary: What if Bella didn’t jump in New Moon? Well in my story she didn’t jump. Instead she’s trying to move on and be happy even when it seems impossible. She moved to Phoenix for the summer and also to clear her head after she graduated. Now it’s almost her bi
1. It will be as if I'd never existed

Hey guys well this is my very first TWILIGHT fanfic

**Hey guys well this is my very first TWILIGHT fanfic! And I hope you guys like it.**

**Enjoy!!**

**Disclaimer: Sadly I do not own the Characters or the book. I just own this computer.**

Summary: What if Bella didn't jump in New Moon? Well in my story she didn't jump. Instead she's trying to move on and be happy even when it seems impossible. She moved to Phoenix for the summer and also to clear her head after she graduated. Now it's almost her birthday and she's going home to see her dad, and for a bit of therapy. She is going to confront the place that made her leave. But someone from her past comes back and she isn't sure if she wants him back.

**On to the story!!**

**Chapter: 1**

**It will be as if I'd never existed**

_It will be as if I'd never existed _

I could **feel **my body fighting back on the hurt and tears every time those words crossed my mind…but what hurt the most was that it wasn't _his_ voice that I would hear anymore. I had somehow forgotten that angelic velvet voice that had captured my heart that first time I heard it.

The last time I heard it, I was on a cliff ready to give up my life or what was left of it anyway, which wasn't much._ He _wasn't very happy about it. But it didn't matter what _he_ would say to me. I just wanted the pain and emptiness to go away. Because then maybe...just maybe I could see _him_ again. Even for a glimpse, it wouldn't matter. I didn't want to see _him_…I **needed** to see _him_. I could feel the wind brushing across my face that once had color. It was drying the tears that rolled down my cheek. I waited for the moment to hear _his_ perfect voice. And once I finally heard it, surprisingly it didn't hurt. At that moment I realized that I could be happy.

Now here I was almost a year later, after _he_ had left me. The wound _he_ left me with was becoming a scar, slowly healing. But I couldn't have done it by myself. My best friend/werewolf helped me. Even though he knew I could never want him the way he wanted me, somehow he still managed to convince himself, Charlie, and the rest of Forks that we were an item. Maybe it was my fault for not denying that allegations but I didn't confirm them either.

Even though I was human, I felt immortal. I was living life-in-death._ He_ had somehow taken my heart with _him_ that day _he_ left me in the woods. I never let myself think of _him _or anything that would remind me of _him_. Nor do I let myself cry, as if I had any tears left in me. I couldn't even say _his_ name, afraid of the pain that would bring me.

As I was lying in my bed staring blankly at the white ceiling, I allow myself to think about what has happened.

Victoria came back along with Laurent for me. But thankfully Jake and his pack killed them both before they could have touched me. I moved to Phoenix for the summer and I haven't been to Forks in almost 2 months but it seemed like forever. Jacob and I did try to be a couple but it was impossible for me to give me heart away when it already had an owner. I also found myself unable to dream, since the day that I nearly jumped

Coming back to reality I stood up and looked down on my bed.

"Ok what else do I need?" I mumbled to myself looking at the suitcase that was already full. I put on my black coat and matching gloves. Knowing what kind of weather awaited me in Forks.

I froze in the doorway. I turned to get my last glance on the apartment that in the last 2 months I called home. I turned back to the door and laid my forehead against it taking a deep breath "Bella you can do this" I whispered trying to convince myself. I could feel a knot forming in my stomach as I turned the knob and stepped out. I closed the door behind me without looking back and walked down the hall.

On the way to the airport, thoughts formed in my head about what was to come when I would arrive at the home that I wished I didn't miss so much. I wasn't going because I wanted to. I was going because I actually missed everyone there some more than others and I was ready to confront the place that put me though impossible things…things that would **that would **have killed a _normal _person**,** not that I wasn't normal just that the people I was with at the time weren't normal. Besides I missed everyone and I promised my dad that I would be back on my birthday to stay if it didn't work out in Phoenix. I was ready to move on and be happy, at least that's what I kept telling myself. What better way to start being happy then to visit the place that made you sad.

Getting on the airplane I reminded myself that I had to forget about the past. But I wasn't sure if it had forgotten me.

I immediately went and sat in my seat to my surprise anxious to see everyone again.

"_It will be as if I'd never existed"_

I immediately stopped wide-eyed because I recognized_ his_ voice. I remembered it. How could I ever forget it? It was beautiful and mesmerizing. It was a faint whisper but still clear. I closed my eyes and shook my head. I didn't want to hear _him_ again. Not again. I wasn't ready for the pain that had once consumed me before. I put my hand over my mouth as I inhaled and exhaled slowly. I could feel my uneven breath slowing down. Thankfully I felt calm. I took my hand that covered my mouth and placed it in my lap. I laid my head back against the head rest and closed my eyes.

_It will be as if I'd never existed_

I slowly shook my head not wanting those words to hunt the back of my mind any longer.

_You promised_

I whispered desperately to myself as I drifted to sleep.

**Ok guys so that's Chapter 1. Hope you guys liked it. This story will ****only**** continue if I get positive reviews. So please review guys**

**EdwardBella4ever**


	2. Our Meadow

**Hey guys well sorry for the long wait. I want this story to be perfect as possible. Plus it's my senior year so I've had tons of homework. But anyways Chapter 2 is done and 3 is still under editing but will be up pretty soon. Thank you so much for the wonderful reviews. Ok so with that said enjoy Chapter 2!!**

Disclaimer: Sadly I don't own anything

**Chapter 2:**

**Our Meadow**

I didn't know where I was momentarily. But as I started to slowly turn, it was all coming back to me; the familiar cold air that sent chills down my spine, the thin layer of clouds above, threatening to break free from the rays of the sun, soft grass that was beneath me, and surrounded by the most beautiful wildflowers swaying in the gentle breeze. It was perfectly round and I could hear the most calming sound of the stream nearby.

It was _our_ meadow.

As I was looking around and taking it all in, I looked into the trees where I thought I saw something. I squinted my eyes further to get a better look and saw a shadow.

"Whose there?" I whispered loud enough for whoever it was to hear. There was no answer.

I started walking hesitantly towards that direction. As if that person saw me it backed away to turn and the next thing I knew-they were gone. I looked around to see any sign of someone else out here but nothing.

A few moments later the faint sound of a twig breaking and whirled around quickly in the direction it came from. What I saw was what I thought I would never see again-a pair of beautiful golden eyes. _It was him._

"You…..Ed-"I didn't allow myself to remember his name .Though it didn't matter because he was gone before I could get it out.

I suddenly jumped, waking up realizing I was still on the plane. I was aware of the pairs of eyes staring at me and instantly blushed a light shade of pink at the attention drew to myself.

"Miss, are you alright?" one of the stewardess asked with a worried expression on her face.

All I could do was nod my head and sit back in my seat. My breathing was erratic so to steady it I placed a hand over my mouth and the other on my chest trying to get it back to normal. I repeatedly inhaled and exhaled till it started to calm down.

_It was only a dream_. I told myself. But it was without a doubt-_him._

"Yes, I'm alright" I finally managed to get out when I found my voice.

"Are you sure?" she asked in a concerned tone. I just nodded in response looking up at her. "You kept saying 'It's him! It's him!' over and over again.

"Yeah I'm sure. It was just a nightmare." I said with a forced smile. Only people who knew me could see right through it but she accepted it.

"Okay well if you need anything just push this button." She said as she pointed to one of the controls on the armrest. And with that she smiled and left.

Noticing the other passengers continued about their business but with a few glances my way, I unbuckled my seat belt and went into one of the vacant restrooms. I closed the door behind me while locking it, I leaned against it for a brief moment looking at my reflection in the mirror. In the cramped space I only needed one step forward to get to the sink. Looking at myself, my face was flushed. I splashed water on my face to get me out of my daze and quickly dried off. I felt a better so I opened the door and walked back to my seat. A few passengers glanced my way but resumed back to what they were doing and I was left alone with my thoughts.

I realized that time didn't erase the feeling I have for_ him_ because in that instant that I saw _him_, it felt like my life had meaning to it again. Though it didn't matter, it was only just a dream.

It'll be as if I'd never existed…

My heart started to beat hard against my chest at the sound of_ his_ voice and _his_ words as they came into my mind.

It'll be as if I'd never existed…

His angelic voice said again but with eagerness as if _he_ was not only trying to convince me but himself. Those words kept repeating in my head as they started to fade away, I felt exhausted and slowly felt sleep overcome me.

**Well there you have it. Hope you liked it. Please Review!!**

**EdwardBella4ever**


	3. Jacob Black

Chapter 3

**Hey guys, well here is the next chapter. I want thank you for being so patient with me. I've had a long week. Thanks to all the people who reviewed. Means a lot.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own anything**

**Chapter 3:**

**Jacob Black**

I felt my shoulder slightly shaking but was still too deep in my sleep. Then I felt it a little more and as if I was breaking through the surface my eyes shot open and were met by the familiar face of the stewardess from earlier.

"Excuse me Miss? Miss?" she kept repeating in a concerned tone as if to make sure I was truly okay. "We've landed." she said once my eyes stopped blinking.

I nodded and sat up to gather my things and exited the plane down the ramp realizing I was probably the last passenger to get off. I followed the crowds and went to claim my luggage at the carousel and once I had them all I went about the crowd who were looking for a familiar faces-to find one. It was rather difficult in the large sea of people in the Seattle airport. So I just stood off to the side for a bit away from the traffic of people watching some people reunite and when I saw couples show too much PDA I had to turn away.

"BELLA!" I heard someone call out. "OVER HERE!"

I turned in the direction of the voice to find the familiar face of a friend who could have been a lover. _Jacob Black._

I could feel a smile spreading across my face -a real smile- as I started to walk towards him. As I started to get closer I noticed my feet start to go faster and dropped my bags before I jumped into his awaiting arms. We both gave a little giggle at the force I must of put into the jump.

"Bella I missed you!" he said still keeping his arms wrapped tightly around me while I was hiding my face in his chest.

"I missed you too" I said pulling back to see his face. He stared at my eyes as if he were searching for answer. An answer that I knew I couldn't give him. "What?" I chuckled as I lowered myself to the ground.

"Uhh…nothing…it's just that…well…your different." He managed to say in a concerned tone.

"Jake, I'm happy. I'm home." I reassured him.

"Well not yet. Let's go!" he responded grabbing my bags and suddenly my hand. I would've protested but I wanted to be happy and maybe Jacob would answer my prayer. So I shut my mouth and just locked my hand with his.

I loved Jacob, but not as much as he deserved. There wasn't a point to lead him on to something that possibly couldn't happen.

I was too wrapped up in my thoughts that I didn't realize we already made it to his car where he held the door open. I slid into the seat while he closed the door and put my things in the back seat. As he climbed into the driver's seat I laid my head back against the headrest getting ready for our long drive back to Forks.

I did everything I could to keep my mind distracted and not wander back to the dream, but like always, curiosity got the best of me. I felt the tears that were trapped in my eyes threaten to break free. My mind wandered as I pictured his perfect complexion; I focused on his eyes that seemed relieved and somewhat saddened. _But why should he be sad?_ He left me. I could feel it now. The pain I've been ignoring for so long was coming back. I quickly shook that thought away not wanting it to resurface anymore.

After about 20 minutes of silence, the exhaustion of the trip-both mentally and physically-was starting to wear on me, and for once I didn't put up a fight and welcomed the dreamless sleep.

I'm not sure how long I was in the dark when suddenly a faint sound started to register. When the sound started to become clearer I realized it was the composition of a song and just before I was able to block it out, I recognized the song as Iris by The Goo Goo Dolls. I mentally scolded myself for even trying, but like always my bad luck never ceases to make itself known. Realization of block everything that brought back memories of _him _was a useless effort. Knowing that I couldn't stay in the dark much longer, I let my surroundings engulf and started blinking to adjust my eyes from the sleep. Once I fully registered that I was still on the road with Jake, I turned my head slightly to glare at him. He was focused on the road that it took him a couple seconds to realize I woke up and at first was confused by my glare but then realizing the music was still playing, recognition crossed his face and immediately turned of his iPod mumbling an inaudible "sorry."

I turned forward and looked out the windshield, as the silence seemed to take over. After several minutes of silence I realized I didn't know how much longer till I reached home. "Whe-" Suddenly I realized my throat was still filled with sleep so I cleared it before I continued. "Where are we?" I tried again just above a whisper not turning to him.

After about a minute he finally answered me with, "We're 15 minutes away." I gave a slight nod, not caring if he saw it or not. The silence continued to drag on and not being able to stand it any longer, I opened my mouth to say something, but he saved me. "So..why the sudden phone call?" he asked. Well it wasn't exactly the topic I wanted, but what other choice did I have?

"It has been two months since I've talked to you….I've missed you." I lied. And of course he saw right through me.

He let out a chuckle without humor. "Oh c'mon Bells! We both know that the real reason you called me was because if anyone else were to pick you up, they would've brought _him_ up!" he accused but still went a little softer toward the end trying to sense my reaction.

Though I didn't react. I knew he was right. If Charlie were pick me up would have brought up some memory that has taken me _so_ long to try and shut out.

After all that Jake has helped me with he deserved the truth. "I'm sorry Jake….it hurts….to remember….more than you'll ever know." I whispered. "That's why I called you. You know me…and after everything I know you won't bring _**(it or him)**_ up." I finished explaining.

He didn't answer after that and just focused on the road, which I was grateful for. The rest of the ride we spent in silence lost in our own _thoughts_.

**Hope you guys liked it!! Ok so I have to give half of the credit to my good friend Jeanine for making this story come alive!! Thanks )**

**Review!!**

**EdwardBella4ever**


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